My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 18/1/99 - The Loft, Derby

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Much like humanity in War Of The Worlds, the actual gig part of this particular evening was DOOMED before it even realised, except that the minds immeasurably superior to our own were just more DRUNK, and they were only in Leicester rather than Mars. To be exact, they were in The Durham Ox the night before having a WHALE of a time drinking BEER and talking about how GRATE the next Durham Ox Singers gig was going to be.

THUS I turned up in Derby with a Proper Old Fashioned Hungover - in these days of grown-up behaviour/being a lightweight I can get hungover just by thinking hard about beer, but back then I was in my DRINKING POMP, holding down Regular Status in ONE pub, on first name terms with bar staff in two others, and GIGGING HARD on top of that, so having a hangover large enough to show up over the general levels of background booze radiation was a Big Deal. I was NOT in a good way.

This weakened state is probably why I fell, once again, for one of the TWO Promoter's Deadly Remarks To Solo Acts: "You don't mind going on first do you?". This isn't QUITE as bad as the other Deadly Remark ("we haven't got much time - do you mind just doing a couple of songs between bands?") which we'll return to ANON, but it's still pretty awful. The implications of the remark are a) you won't need a soundcheck b) it's not like anybody cares about seeing you c) you haven't even got a BAND! You're an IDIOT!

I don't know WHY promoters always seem to think that playing solo means you are automatically POINTLESS, goodness knows I've seen enough full bands without whom the world would not be noticeably worse off, but they always DO, and probably always HAVE. I'm sure that in the mists of time He Who Puts On Gigs was telling He Who Hits Stone Hard that he'd need to cut down his set by the campfire to five minutes so that They Who Bang Many Stones would have time to do their cover of "The Passenger".

So, I did my gig to the other bands and then settled into making myself feel better by drinking MORE BEER, and like in all proper ROCK BIOGS this led to me talking to a GURL. If you've ever read a proper ROCK BIOG (i'd recommend "The Dirt" by Motley Crue - so good it VERY NEARLY makes you want to listen to their music) you'll have heard WILD TALES of EROTIC EXPLOITS and SAUCY MISADVENTURE but I can't say I've ever seen much of that. I think my allocation of SEXUAL ABANDON must have gone off in a bulk delivery to SLASH by mistake, and i got his spare stock of Public Transport Mishaps (Railways). THUS the fact that I suddenly found myself chatting to a young lady I had not even been formally introduced to was a DANGEROUS THRILL, amplified by the fact that all around me were friends doing the waggly eyebrows and hopeful GRINS that say "I wish you to know that I have seen what is occurring, i am excited on your behalf, and that I shall interfere no further except to look over every thirty seconds and pull this slightly alarming face. GET IN!"

While all this was going on Sienna, Frankie's band, were getting ready to play. Our AAS Colleague Mr Whitaker had come along for the evening to help with the Merchandising Stall as he was a friend of the promoter - who, being THAT sort of promoter, had charged him to get in anyway - and had been talking to Frankie about the fact that he didn't see any future for this band, and that this was probably going to be their last gig. Being a nice sort of chap he went over to Ann the singer and said "So this is your last gig then? Sorry to hear that!"

So was she. Nobody had mentioned anything about it to her - if there was any doubt about it being the last one, there wasn't any longer!

After the gig we were heading off to The Blue Note for DANCING. My new lady friend couldn't go so, in a stunning act of BRAVERY and for the first time in my LIFE, i asked for and got her phone number. Once we got to the Blue Note I felt like a WARRIOR OF LOVE, but true to form, i would spend the next three months being to TERRIFIED to use. By the time I'd thought of a suitably COOL thing to say when I rang her I found out that she'd not only started going out with someone else (probably someone who'd dare to speak to her when NOT two-days drunk) but MARRIED him. I bet that NEVER happens to Tommy Lee.

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