My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 13/6/00 - CCAD Radio, Middlesbrough

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This was another one of my PUNK ROCK trips to distant radio stations, though not ALL of them were quite as much of a trek as this one. The week before I'd been to see Tim Eames (DJ Of Your Dreams) in Bradford, a lovely chap who told me The Terrible Truth about Commercial Radio Franchises: all the have to do is insert a Local Place Name into the talky bits twice an hour ("Hey! Here's a track from REO Speedwagon that reminds me of a steamy night in INSERT SUBURB!") and then everything else is beamed from a CENTRAL BUNKER. It also explains why the JINGLES sound the same wherever you go.

Anyway, Bradford was only an hour or so on the train, but Middlesbrough is CONSIDERABLY further - I don't think I'd ever even BEEN that far North before without overshooting and ending up in Scotland, so I was quite excited to be going there. I was ALSO excited because I'd built up something of a DEMENTED FANTASY about the session in my MIND. It was a Student Radio station and I'd somehow got the idea that it was going to be GLAMOROUS, also BOHEMIAN. On the long train journey I picture bean bags, throw rugs, joss sticks and FABNESS. "Oh yes", I'd say to a bevy of eyelash fluttering beauties, toking sophisticatatedly on a marijuana doobie spliff, "I certainly CAN explain the dialectical cycle of history to you. But perhaps we'd be more comfortable... in the jacuzzi?"

Goodness knows why I thought that - I'd BEEN to student radio stations before and had indeed BEEN a student, during which I'd spent precious little time near SINKS, let alone jacuzzis. Still, I ROLLED out of the train station and leapt into a taxi with a Groovy Soundtrack in my head, ready for a good time.

It seemed to take an awfully long time to get there - surely the University would be in the hep centre of town? Eventually we arrived in a leafy suburb where I discovered to my horror that it WASN'T a University at all - it was a Sixth Form College.

I went in to reception where a very nice lady seemed pleased to see me. I'd like to think this was because of my natural warmth and charisma, but it was probably because I was the first adult she'd seen all day - as I was later to discover, it was towards the end of term so hardly anybody was in. She called her Very Attractive Daughter in, who smiled shyly and guided me upstairs. Very Attractive Daughters are the VERY FOUNDATION of ALL Rock Lunacy, SURELY this was a good sign?

The Very Attractive daughter led me to the student radio station, where I found the Traditional Contents of ALL student radio stations: two nervous, highly strung LADS with too much hair and too many records, GIGGLING to each other. It has EVER been thus - when the very FIRST radio station began, He Who Does Most Of The Talking spent DAYS arguing with his friend, He Who Pretends To Like Hip Hop, about what songs to play in order to get Very Attractive Daughter to listen in (there's always a Very Attractive Daughter) before spend 50 of their 60 minutes on air telling jokes about what they had for tea last night.

These lads were no different, and we ended up having a VERY enjoyable time recording a LENGTHY interview in which they told jokes about what they'd had for tea and I told jokes about ME. Everybody was happy. Before that though we had to record some songs, with me sat out in the Common Room with Very Attractive Daughter (by the way, don't get your hopes up, I'm only mentioning her a LOT because I so rarely get a chance to get GURLS into these stories. Can't think why), BELLOWING. We played tracks between chunks of the live interview, during which I asked how far they broadcast. "Oh, we go across the whole campus - in the common room AND in the canteen."

Their REACH was demonstrated by the on-air competition. All you had to do to win a HUGE bag full of CDs was to come and knock on the studio door. Nobody did.

They did reassure me that there were more outlets though - "We do a live television broadcast too!" they said. I asked where that got seen. "Did you see that wide screen television in the lobby?" they asked me. "THERE."

With everything finished it was time for me to dash off and get my pre-booked taxi back for the last train home. I said goodbye to the giggly lads and was then led back to reception by Very Attractive Daughter and her MOTHER, who'd decided that as nothing else was happening she'd better come and act as chaperone. After all, her daughter was in the company of a dangerous rock star (me). Who knew WHAT would happen?

Well exactly - I'm sure it was ONLY the presence of Protective Mother that prevented it - if SHE hadn't turned up we might have actually SPOKE to each other! OH YEAH! As it was I plonked myself into the taxi and was soon back on the train, with PLENTY of time to adjust my ideas about the relative DECADENCE of Student Radio Stations.

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