My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 4/7/03 - The Verge, London

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Weeks before this gig happened the promoter emailed to say he'd heard my version of "Stan" (by Eminem) and wondered if it'd be all right for him to join me onstage to sing the Dido parts. It sounded like a good idea to me, and I was only mildly disconcerted when he said he'd be doing it "in character" as the evening's compere, Captain Disco.

When I arrived I discovered him in full COSTUME - a wig, comedy moustache, and a Safari Suit. Why is it when people do stuff "in character" the character they always DO is a Stereotypical Pillock? Does anybody EVER compere Comedy Gigs in Character as a charming, slightly shy, smartly dressed milkman? I was already worried about how the song - which, after all, is about domestic abuse - would work with him dressed like that, and my worries only grew when he showed me the penis shaped water pistol he'd bought with him. "It's hilarious" he reassured me, demonstrating how he'd poke it out of his trouser flies at opportune moments and squirt audience members.

Now, I'm not really any variety of Prima Donna, I'm usually pretty good about LARKING AROUND and PLAYING THE GIDDY GOAT, and so I put my reservations to one side and got on with the gig. Recently I'd been playing Acoustic Gigs sitting down, just because it's easier - you get to sit down! However, I'd noticed that this did rather lead to people thinking I was a Folk Artiste and/or JAZZ GUITARIST (STONE DEAF people, mostly, but still) which meant they felt perfectly happy ignoring and talking over my set. THUS I decided to try standing up again, an EXCELLENT PLAN that I would recommend to anyone - sitting down puts you in a PASSIVE position and positively INVITES people to ignore you, but if you stand-up you're in their face, usually ABOVE them, and can command attention.

It also means you can dance around - no, actually, it means you HAVE to dance around. Having not played standing up for a while I forgot about this and stood RIGIDLY still, which after ten minutes caused my left leg to go numb and I gave me cramp in my feet. Since then I have resolved to always DANCE AROUND like a LOON while playing gigs - it is for HEALTH REASONS.

Standing up also makes it easy to talk to other band members. Mr Tom "Tiger" McClure had travelled down to play with me for this gig and I was just discussing a minor issue of Setlist with him partway through when ANOTHER symptom of my long lay-off from proper gigs was felt, as my phone started ringing. I'd forgotten to turn it off before starting, and ended up having a slightly embarrassing five minute conversation with my MUM in front of a crowd of about forty people, saying "Yeah... Mum... no, fine but... no, I'm doing a gig at the moment and... " In the end I got everyone to shout "BYE!" to her as I put the phone down, but I still don't think she realised.

Eventually we reached the last song, and Tom and I GIRDED ourselves for RUMNESS as Captain Disco made his way to the stage. I decided to play it STRAIGHT and just concentrate on singing the song, which is probably a good idea because, as I began to sing the rantings of a psychotic wife-killer I saw, out of the corner of my eye, that Captain Disco had decided to interpret these lyrics by POLE DANCING. The chorus was approaching, and when it arrived...

... it was beautiful. Captain Disco, it turns out, had a LOVELY singing voice, and sang it absolutely straight, with a surprising poignancy that I found suddenly, unexpectedly, deeply moving. Everyone in the room looked SHOCKED, managing to ignore his writhing around on the floor in the next verse so that they were moved all over again when he did it for the second verse.

Sensing, correctly, that all attention was on him, Captain Disco saw this was his chance for the coup de grace: THE PENIS PISTOL! He started to remove it from his pocket... at which point one of his friends MARCHED, tutting and shaking his head, to the front of the stage and CONFISCATED the item. Enough was enough!

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