My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 6/7/03 - Loxley Residential Home, Peterborough

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Never let it be said I play only the CONVENTIONAL gig.

Okay, that probably IS never said, but among my vast array of Unusual Gigs this was probably one of the UnusualIST, also one of the most nerve-wracking. It was my Nan's 90th Birthday Party and so I'd be playing not just to a crowd of old ladies, but MY ENTIRE FAMILY! Cousins, Aunts and Uncles, Brothers And Sisters - THE LOT!

The nerves were enhanced by the fact that I was going to have to learn some suitable songs. Clearly "Fucking Hippy" wasn't going to go down spectacularly well (my Nan was deaf, but not THAT deaf) so I set to learning some Music Hall songs. When I was little I'd spent HUGE swathes of the School Summer Holidays round at both my Nans' houses (two Nans, not multiple properties) watching the LENGTHY seasons of Old Comedy Films they used to show on BBC2 in the afternoons. I'm not sure that they do that any more, but back then you'd always get THEMED films throughout the holidays. I distinctly remember it being Will Hay films one year, George Formby another. ALSO my other Nan had a large repertoire of Old Music Hall Songs that she'd sing to us ("My Old Man Said Follow The Van", "Has Anybody Here Seen Kelly?", that sort of thing) so re-learning them was like revisiting some of the lovelier parts of my childhood. It was brilliant.

Less brilliant was the MASSIVE FEAR I felt about the whole thing - I'm sure I'm not the only one to have anxiety dreams about doing a gig where I forget all the words to all the songs, shout abuse at the audience, and then remember that the audience is my entire family, with my Nan sat in the front row. And now it was going to happen FOR REAL! I just prayed that at least I remembered to wear some TROUSERS this time.

FEAR was only added to by the involvement of my parents, who insisted on photocopying REAMS of lyrics sheets for everybody, and generally acting proprietarily. "Everyone will want to join in!" they said "So make sure you sing loudly won't you? And make sure the words are CLEAR. Don't slur your words, and stand up STRAIGHT!"

The Fear was still in evidence as I began to play in front of what was , for me, a pretty large audience. I started to think fondly of dark smelly rooms full of drunk people and BEER as I looked out onto that kindly crowd, drinking tea and eating their biscuits, their eyes FULL OF EXPECTATION. Happily it all worked out OK - my parents, Aunties and uncles were VOCIFEROUS in their participation and various siblings and cousins were kicked into joining in too... and I'm afraid I got a little carried away with it all. So much so that during a particularly fevered rendition of "Chick Chick Chick Chick Chicken" I thought to myself "They can give more than this!" and yelled "COME ON! LOUDER! LOUDER!" The old ladies looked a bit shocked, but I tell you what, next time the chorus came round they sang it a LOT louder!

No encore for this one, but I tell you what, the RIDER was amazing - gallons of POP and all the sandwiches I could EAT!

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