My Exciting Life In ROCK (part 1): 18/7/99 - The Bull & Gate

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The Validators second performance was in the traditional home of ALL Indie Band Second Gigs, The Bull & Gate in Kentish Town. Aaah, Bull & Gate, how many BRILLIANT nights have I spent within your slightly unfriendly but ultimately GOOD TIME walls? And how many APPALLING next mornings have I had as I realise, yet again, that even though it says "Bass" on the pumps, it's actually Delayed Laxative in a pint glass?

We went EN MASSE on the train, a mode of transport chosen for its economical, band psyhological and ecological benefits, but mostly because it meant we could all get VERY DRUNK INDEED and not have to worry about driving back. Once through the hallowed portals of the old St Pancras Station (known by us as "The Midlands Embassy" because it was a glorious Oasis of Midlands friendliness and SAMOSAS in the heart of London Town) we excitedly hopped onto the Underground. I've lived in That London for several years now but STILL get a bit excited about using this GROOVIEST of all transport systems - so simple! so efficient! so FUTURISTIC!

Our joy was short-lived, however. When we got the Kentish Town our tickets didn't work properly and a GRUFF station attendant came to take us away to be TOLD OFF and, probably, JAILED. I was ENRAGED by this - I'd bought our tickets at a ticket window and had specifically asked for the correct ones, so my MIDDLE CLASS SUPER POWERS were activated. I BLATTERED the poor chap with skull-crushing phrases like "I bought these in GOOD FAITH!" and "simply not good enough!" until he could stand NO MORE, and CAVED IN before I started claiming to play GOLF with his line manager. We strode PROUDLY on to the venue, assured of a GRATE time or by golly there'd be a SHIT STORM about it at the next PTA.

We turned up and were HORRIFIED to find that we'd arrived AFTER load-in time - for those who are not, nor have ever been, in a band, "load-in time" is the time venues tell you to turn up with your GEAR so you can get set up and do your soundcheck, leaving plenty of space for all booked bands to complete this duty and still have time for a decent gap before the scheduled hour for doors opening. In millenia of gigs, this has NEVER gone to plan - even back at the very FIRST gig, They Who Bang Many Stones had to send a SMOKE SIGNAL to He Who Puts On Gigs to say that their DINOSAUR had broken down on the M25 and they'd be fifteen minutes late, and I'm sure in the distant future Andrew Adventure And The Space Groovers will be hanging around outside The Bull And Worm-Hole ten minutes after load-in waiting for the Engineer to get back from the kebab shop.

Still, we got set up, sidled out the other bar while the other bands did their bits, and awaited for the arrival of our backing singers. Other bands have glamorous, sexy DIVAs on vocal duties, and in line with that policy we had Mileage and Dave from The Durham Ox Singers. For some reason, when we got to the door and said "These are in the band, they're our backing singers" the promoters DOUBTED the truth of this. Maybe they were unfamiliar with that particular kind of ARTISTE?

They got in eventually and we had a VERY excitable gig, with me falling foul of the DOOM of ALL Solo Singer-Songwriters THRUST into a band and given the opporunity not to have to play an instrument on all songs: DAD DANCING. There was GYRATING, there was Pointing At Things That Aren't There, and if there'd been any teenage nephews/nieces in the area they'd have POURED SCORN. Apart from that it all seemed to go pretty well, although our claims to have backing singers were a little undermined by the fact that they spent most of the gig SCAREDY, hiding at the back behind the bass amp.

Afterwards we SWANNED AROUND for a bit in celebrity strewn London. Bloke From Hefner was there (as Bloke From Hefner was BOUND to be in those days - if he wasn't at the gig then LEGALLY Bloke With A Tail had to turn up or it was CANCELLED) and somebody said "Hey, he looks like YOU!" This made a rather splendid changed from people saying "Hey, you look like him!" and in my ROCK SHAPE THROWING state I felt that this change was the harbringer of FAME and FORTUNE to come.

It wasn't. Still, we weren't to know that at the time, and hopped back on the train for a good old fashioned singalong - we had a WHALE of the time, and I'm sure everybody else on the last train to Leicester did too.

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